Yeah, some of this stuff is pretty crass and sexist, but then that's what makes to so darn funny!

If your bike gets mangled in a car accident, you get a shiny new one for free.

The only protection you have to wear when riding your bicycle is a decent helmet.

Choosing a bike takes 30 minutes at the bike store, not six months hanging around singles bars.

You can ride a bike any day of the month.

Bikes don't get pregnant.

You can upgrade your bike, component by component, as you can afford it.

If you get tired of the way your bike looks, you can just paint it.

You get detailed specifications, before you buy.

You can share your bike with friends.

Your bike doesn't come with in-laws.

You don't have to move into a bigger apartment just to hang a bike from the wall.

Bikes don't care how many other bikes you have ridden.

Bikes can't use your credit card or crash your Porche.

When riding, you and your bike always come at the same time.

You can spend as little money on your bike as you feel like.

Bikes don't blather on about astrology in front of your buddies.

If you don't make any particular effort, it takes longer to come.

You can show your buddies the oversize tubing and high-end components without having to recite the bike's name.

The name is printed on the frame in nice big letters in case you forget.

Bikes don't whine unless something is really wrong.

You can impress your buddies with the quality of your bike by letting them take it for test ride.

A bike stays lubricated for two weeks.

Bike curves never sag.

If your bicycle goes flat you can fix it in under a minute.

If your bike is too loose you can tighten it.

You can drink beer and ride your bike.

A bike can't call you at work or bother you after you discard it.

You can make sure that nobody will steal your bike simply by using a $45 contraption when it's left on its own.

If somebody does steals your bike, the police put them in jail.

If someone steals your bike, you can get a better one the very next day.

You won't have to buy two passenger tickets to enjoy riding your bike on the Moon.

You get money when you ditch an old bike.

If you say things to your bike you don't have to apologize before you can ride it again.

Bikes won't insult you if you are a bad rider.

Bikes don't care if you are late.

Bikes don't care if you buy Bicycle magazines.

Bikes only gain weight if you install better equipment.

You don't have to take a shower before riding your bike.

There are bikes that are designed to be ridden by two people at once.

You can have a black bicycle and bring it home to your parents.

If you feel like standing up and really cranking hard, your bike barely makes a peep.

You can choose your bike from a catalog.

You can test ride every bike in the store before you make your decision.

People like you better if you have rode far and frequently.

You can adjust the riding position in 1 mm increments until it's completely comfortable to ride for days on end.

There are public riding competitions, and you can get sponsored to compete if your riding is good enough.

If your day job is to ride different bikes all day long for money, people think it's cool.

One word: training.

If you get tired of your bike, you can just dump it and get a shiny new 1999 model instead, without getting sued to support the brake levers until they rust.

You can ride a bike for three years without feeling like you have to keep it until you die.

You can always get to be the first one to ever ride a given bike.

You can ride your Bicycle the first time you see it, without having to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother.

Even an old guy can buy a shiny new bike, and the bike'll never know the difference.

Any day that you feel perky enough for some physical activity, you can be 100% sure you'll perform.

You can stop riding your bicycle as soon as you want and it won't get frustrated.

If you're riding your bike, and you see a buddy and decide to stop for a chat, the bike will be ready where you left off.

You can have as many bikes at once as you feel like.

Bicycles don't get headaches.

You don't have to deal with little bikes suddenly appearing, and if they do, you can just dump them in the recycling bin.

If anything doesn't work the way you want, you can get it fixed at the local bike shop for $24.95.

If you don't bother to maintain your bike for three years, you just have to drop it off at the bike shop with $24.95 to make everything better.

You don't have to be jealous of the guy who works on your bicycle.

Your Bicycle never wants a night out with the other bicycles.

When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great ride you had the last time you were on your Bicycle.

Your parents won't remain in touch with your old bicycle after you discard it.

If you get a new bike you don't have to keep sending money to the old one.

You can tell at a glance if a bike accepts male riders, female riders, or both.

You can always spend more to have the biggest equipment on the block.